About that...

Dear Sweet Blog, you probably gave up on me and thought I forgot you entirely. But I swear I did not. I think of you often, usually with feelings of guilt. You may think I am nothing but a bunch of unfulfilled promises. But REALLY, I swear I am not.

After my dieting extravaganza I lost 3 lbs the first week and 2 lbs each of the following two weeks. I was down to 163. As the excitement dwindled and the taste ofbroken fiber pills killed any good flavor in the required foods, I bobbled back and forth between 164 and 162. No matter. Despite still being unpleasantly plump, I felt successful. Apparently I could lose weight. I continued trying to eat healthily but after gummy curry I could take it no more. I stopped slicing open fiber capsules and refused to pour anymore of their sawdust fillings into my food. Enough was enough. They came in capsules for a damn reason. I opted to just swallow them with water as I am sure their creator intended. You cannot imagine how repulsive the consistency of all my food became simply by adding fiber. I get the idea. Fiber=thickening agent AND natural laxative=dieting wonders. Whatever. Adding the ridiculous amounts of capsules into food could give even water the delightful texture of snot. Or slime. Or something meant to be smeared or wiped, but definitely not eaten. In my mind the diet I was on should be good enough to help me loose weight without all the added fiber. I’m not sure if I wasn’t following details as vigourously or if the diet should just be renamed “Metamucil Weightloss”, but I plateaued.

Before I had time to gain the weight back, I rocked my shortness and chunky curves as Jersey Shore’s own “Snooki”. I’m thinking black hair is slimming, orange skin flatters me or I should just be a guidette. Somehow, something worked that night because at least three people told me I looked ‘skinny’ or ‘slim’. In a crazy way, my husband (errrr…. “Vinny”)really liked the new look, or at least the novelty of it. And well after a certain chain of event that led to me shooting back up to 170. I’m pregnant.

Yep, Sophia is almost 11 months and I am just over 12 weeks pregnant. She will be 18 months when Bitty Smitty II arrives. So you see, this is why I haven’t written. I wasn’t ready to announce my pregnancy but I couldn’t write about the victory of weightloss either. As I finish up the first trimenster, I’m happy to announce so far, so good!



Now, what? Not about life. I haven’t had time to forget how pregnancy and such goes. I mean about you, dear blog. My size 6 jeans are not even in the inspiration corner of my closet anymore. They are reboxed and back in the basement to allow room for maternity clothes. “Getting hot” in my original sense is out of the question for another year or so. Not that I don’t think I am a cute pregnant chick- cuz let me tell you, I am. Seriously. I have 10 times my normal confidence when I am rocking some extra think, healthier-than-usual hair, glowing skin and a cutely clad bump. Even now at 12 weeks (my baby is only the size of a peach), I’ve lost my muffin-top insecurities. Now it’s a little bump, slowly reforming and ready to rock and roll. Soooooo anyway, I think I will take a break from you. Maybe I will revisit you throughout my pregnancy to post some maternity pics or something, but mostly I will leave this as part one to an unfinished, to-be-continued kind of story. I will, however, begin a new blog. Something that has no real theme or journey. Just a place for me to be me. School, life, love, babies, pregnancy, work, friends, happiness, sadness—it can all be there without walls or guidelines. I didn’t make any resolutions this year but I’d like to now. This week I will start a new blog and I will write in it every week. I will come back to this blog to add a link in case you care to follow my humble, happy life. Cheers!

Day 3

I know I have heard something about the 4th day of dieting always being the hardest. I think it’s the 4th anyway. Apparently, the first three days people are usually really excited and all gung-ho but without quick fix results, enthusiasm wanes. I am not looking forward to tomorrow because my first day (night) was tough, as was yesterday. I just got all wrapped up in the moment when reading the book that it seemed so doable. All I focused on were the recipes and ingredients. I also read what to order at specific restaurants- drive-thru, fast food and sit down. I thought I was all set. I’m now realizing I didn’t take much real life into account. The Perfect Body Diet really means well I think, but it seems to assume that I dictate what I eat, when and where. That seems plausible, but only if you don’t have a social life, family or husband. When you are at a sporting event for multiple hours, Subway doesn’t bring your garden fresh salad with a light sprinkling of oil and vinegar to your seat. Just like everyone else you get your choice of the ever-popular, popcorn caked in pseudo butter, the stale round tortilla chips with can o’ cheese dipping sauce posing as nachos or, my personal favorite, the giant heaven of carbolicious goodness packed with extra sodium for your snacking pleasure- the soft pretzel. Now I have two choices: follow the strict guidelines and eat something every 3 hours OR follow the strict guidelines and avoid any of the concession goodies. On that particular evening at Pullman High, I went with option A. I cannot promise to be so strong next time.

After the longest high school football game in history, my little family and I went to my parents’ for my dad’s birthday dinner. Enter beautiful taco bar. *sigh* Oh how I love you, Mexican food. Nonetheless I helped myself to the lettuce, tomatoes, onions and salsa and made a big, fatty, lame taco salad with a side of refried beans. After dinner the temptations grew more intense as my sister brought out Dad’s birthday cake. It was a jumbo chocolate chip cookie the size of a large pizza with beautiful birthday wishes printed in a velvety cream cheese frosting. I wish I were one of those people who hate frosting. I am more of the stick-my-finger-in-for-at-least-one-tablespoon-sized-taste-everytime-I-make-a-cake type. The diet angel and demon on either side of my shoulder started arguing at that point. Demon reminded us how rude it would be to not at least taste my sister’s handiwork, how I could just have a tiny sliver and how oh-so-yummy it would be. Angel said, “No” (bitch). Angel won, although I am not sure how. Her argument sucked.

That night my poor baby Sophia had a cold and was up most of the night. Being up so much made me very hungry. Of course, the only thing out and available was about half of the cookie cake. I could have eaten the entire thing alone, I’m sure. But victory was mine again.

Last night was my Mommy Club meeting. It was held in the banquet room of El Sombrero, my favorite Mexican restaurant in town. I genuinely meant to eat a little something before I left, but it takes quite awhile for me to feel prepared to leave the house and go to a place where I KNOW I will meet strangers who will judge me. I got there just in time to be starving! Still, I had three chips (heaped with salsa) and a small margarita. Regular. In my mind peach, strawberry and the other rainbow of flavors have added mixer, so added calories. I have no idea if that’s how things really go down at “The Hat”, but in my mind it made me feel like I was taking the high road. I went home and had strips of green peppers dipped in homemade hummus. When I was still hungry, I had a bowl of bran flakes topped with ground flax seed and berries for dessert.

Enough of my bragging. Did I mention how I haven’t yet completed a single workout. I know, so much for following the diet perfectly. I didn’t even make it the first day! So dear blog, I will leave you with two promises. 1.) I will absolutely do a full workout today. 2.) I promise the next post won’t be so lame and will not include a food diary.

A New Plan (again?)

Hello again!

I would like to say that during my most recent leave of absence, I have lost 20 lbs, won a local Mrs. Beauty contest and have been so busy princess-waving off of parade floats that I haven’t had time to write. Unfortunately, I think you know me well enough to know that would definitely be a bold faced lie. More honestly, I am essentially the same as the last time I reported in. I did a few Friday weigh-ins, but when nothing changes, those aren’t terribly interesting. Frankly, this blog is as much about my journey as a writer as it is my journey as a wanna-be “Momshell”. When there is no story, I have no reason to write.

Since I my last posting, I have learned something about myself. The limited accountability is not enough. Granted, regularly posting my true weight on the internet for all to see makes me want to punch myself in the face, but that is obviously not enough to put a fire under my ass. I don’t post regularly enough to have true accountability. I write when I want to. Which brings up another problem- after I post my terribly honest but comical mumblings, I get praise from my peers. This sounds great (it is), but my ego is stroked and I get excited. I am so very delighted that there are people who enjoy my writing that I forget about the big lard butt I sit on when I write.

School has begun again. I am a nerd. I like school. I like all my classes. I also like that I am now free to be a real brown-noser of a student. I am so much older and chubbier than my trendy classmates, that being a “cool kid” is now completely out of the question. I am 25, and you would be surprised massive age difference between 19 and 25. Or maybe you wouldn’t. I’m sure being a married, mama, fuddy-duddy doesn’t help. I have one cool kid friend. My little brother in all his “22-year-old,-college-athlete,-party-boy” glory, has joined me at LCSC. Since he waited until the VERY last minute to register, he is also in a few of my classes (Shakespeare and Creative Writing: Nonfiction, HA!). We see each other often between classes as well. On one such occasion, I complemented his outfit. His response, “You know how I do, always keeping it fresh for the ladies”. (And people need translators for Shakespeare!) Whatever, after that he continued on by saying, “Hey, actually, you look pretty fly today too… surprisingly”. I don’t think he even realized what he said or what that really implied. He just went on to trash whatever theater geek walked by next. Meanwhile that statement has been emblazoned into my memory. I have always been, um… “curvier” than the girls (skanks) my brother goes after, but he always would say I was pretty and/or had good style. And now… I think not.

At any rate, all this has led to me making a REAL commitment. For starters, I researched and selected a real diet and fitness plan. I bought Women’s Health: The Perfect Body Diet. I like it. It’s all about eating/working out best for your specific body type- the age-old apple or pear standard. I, with all my torso fullness, am an apple. I spent almost a week reading the whole book, doing the prep-work, making notes and grocery shopping. Today is my first, full, official day and I haven’t cheated yet. I am going all out. I will give this plan a real chance. I can make it 8 weeks, especially since I get a “cheat day” at the end of every 2 weeks I complete successfully. I may spend 14 days straight waiting for day 15, but I WILL do this. The book includes the meal plans, recipes and workouts. All I have to do is follow the directions. Easier said than done, I know. So goodbye for now, because I have to go do today’s workout before my Sophia wakes from her nap!

Hot And NOT

In an effort to take a break from my draining weight loss battle, I’d like to talk about what’s keeping me hot and what’s soooo not. For starters, let me first say I had a hot day. I believe it was right smack dab in the middle of my month of laziness.

My friend Michelle has been a stay at home mama for four yeas now. She has two sweet, beautiful daughters. After spending so much money on photography for those little ladies the past few years, she decided to just invest in a nice camera. She has quite a knack for photography and in just a few months has begun her own little business. While trying to build up her portfolio, she asked if she could do some family shots of Sophia, husband and I. I was a bit hesitant at first. I had planned to do our first family portraits when I wasn’t embarrassed to be in them. I realized that my weight loss goals were a long way away and we should probably do family pictures before we had to schedule Sophia’s senior pictures. I decided to take Michelle up on her offer. After all, I was certain she would at least capture some good ones of Sophia she could use. Of course then I needed something to wear. After literally an entire day of shopping (which is VERY difficult in a town with 5 department stores), I found something that would work and go with things I had selected for husband and Sophia. I was and am still very excited about my skirt purchase. It’s a light khaki color with a linen feel. It sits at the waist with a dark brown belt which insinuates that I have a waistline. It’s also a size medium. I wore it with a white v-neck top and brown gladiator sandals. My hair hadn’t been so much as trimmed since well before I began this blog. I made an appointment with a dear friend who is an absolute magician with my mop of a head. She trimmed, relayered and styled my hair more perfectly than ever. By the time Michelle was ready, so was I. Sophia, of course, stole the show, but my hair was a close second. I found out Michelle’s art is just as magical as my stylist’s! That girl can zoom, crop and edit away my figure flaws, leaving me without a single complaint. Thank goodness for good mommy friends who really know what a girl wants! Michelle gave me a disk of like 80+ photos; I loved every one! Now I have a display in my living room of four of our family pictures and I look nice in all of them. I even was inspired enough to begin a family scrapbook. My girls made me feel pretty, maybe even a little bit sexy!



(To check out more of our family pictures and Michelle's photography visit meshellePhotography.blogspot.com )

That said, of course there are a few products/occurrences that are having the opposite effect. Ever since I saw the Neutrogena HealthySkin foundation commercial, I have wanted to try it. I try to use products that are good for my skin and they assured me that this stuff was so great you could sleep in it. I looked for this product for quite awhile before locating it. When I saw that there was a skin clearing version, I thought I was in heaven! Good for my skin and clears/prevents acne? Check and CHECK! I was sold. I began using my new foundation with such excitement I didn’t even wait for my old to run out. I had one little zit on my forehead and that guy was gonna be a goner in no time. After using the foundation for a solid month or more (and not even wearing it overnight, I might add) I never, ever experienced a single day blemish free. It also didn’t seem to be as smooth as my old brand. The day after I went back to my old brand leftovers, I had completely clear skin again. You tricked me, Jessica Alba!!!

As for my current hair state- my friend gave me a great cut that works well as I continue to try to grow it out. Unfortunately, it still never looks as good as I want it to because my flat iron has left me for the afterlife. I am living life without as I hate buying cheap styling tools that don’t get the job done. I got laid off two weeks ago so I can’t justify spending real money on something wonderful. On the upside, without going through routine heat torture, my hair feels really soft and maybe the break is doing some long term good.

And finally, medical laws are keeping me ugly. I ran out of contacts and tried to go buy another box. Apparently it has been a year since my last exam, so I cannot purchase more contacts until I have another eye exam. My prescription has not changed in the slightest since 9th grade!!! I go through this every year and every year it drives me crazy. And as I mentioned before, my financial state doesn’t leave me with a couple hundred buck to blow on an unnecessary exam and new contacts. My glasses that I got within the last few years are ok but are bent crooked, which seems to be QUITE unflattering on me. That leaves me with my glasses from….9th grade. I can see perfectly, but why bother with how dorky I look. Yesterday husband was flipping through TV channels as he passed The Princess Diaries. I made him stop and I stared in horror. Anne Hathaway’s pre-makeover character and I were rocking the same style. My frizzy (though soft) curls framed my identical glasses with eerie similarity. DAMN! I shoved my hair into a fluffy ponytail just to fight the likeness before leaving the house.

Boot Camp

It’s been awhile. A LONG while. I can honestly say I never intended to be this negligent towards my blog- or my “operation” for that matter. The last month or so has brought on a feeling that I haven’t felt in awhile. The feeling is akin to what I felt as a young, college, party girl skipping out on church. I always wanted to go, but come Sunday morning I never felt right in the pew, knowing how I’d whooped it up the few nights before. After all, God can’t see us unless we are in church, right? On the same train of thought, I have neglected facing you, dear blog, because I haven’t done a single work out since the first week of July. And even that fateful day, was the only time I had attempted physical activity that week. I cannot excuse my laziness leading up to that day, nor my laziness the past week or two. That specific day though, I shall remember forever. That was the day I attempted “Boot Camp Workout” with Gena.

A new friend of mine has a daughter who is two and also another daughter just a few months younger than Sophia. She encouraged me greatly in both my blog and working out. Her husband is a physical trainer at a local gym. Due to her own dedication and hard work, she looked a million times better than me by the time her second child was a mere two months old. She is so gracious and kind that she really helped me get going (don’t worry; I will get to how I became such a lazy-butt again). We began with good, stroller-pushing, heart-pumping, 3 mile walks. That was great. Sophia liked it (usually), I liked it and we both got to know some other mamas and babies. Then, my friend told me how she got to bring a friend to her gym several times a month for free as part of her husband’s benefits. I was excited. They have a good daycare for Sophia and great classes that my friend attends 3 times a week. My first go at it was a class called “Move and Muscle” with Gena. Gena, the instructor, told me that since I had done Body Pump classes before, I would do fine. I HAD done Body Pump before. And it was tough. I could always count on being sore for days if I hadn’t done it for a week or so. Move and Muscle made Body Pump seem like child’s play. Honest to God, 20 minutes in and I had done moves that I didn’t know existed and few more that I thought were reserved for overzealous football players and I was huffin’ and puffin’ worried about whether or not I was really going to vomit all over the carpet. Like the sissy I am, I excused myself to the ladies’ locker room and dry heaved for a good five minutes before returning to class. I finished and despite my little intermission, I felt accomplished. The next week my friend asked me to join her again to her regular Wednesday classes. She does Aerobic Step for 30 minutes and then 30 minutes of Boot Camp, both with the now infamous Gena. Despite being the least physically challenging, Aebobic Step was the biggest nightmare of all three classes. Part of the warm up included a fantastic ab work out. After that, I was basically tripping over myself trying to figure out the footwork, but not knowing my right and left well enough to get it, even by the end of class. Throw in a step bench and I was a hot mess. I was completely embarrassed but at least I kept moving and burned some calories. Then came Boot Camp. Gena and my friend both assured me if I could make it through Move and Muscle, I would be fine. By this point I had begun to seriously doubt both of them, but at least the class was only supposed to be 30 minutes. I enjoyed that level of comfort for about 2 minutes, because next thing I knew, Gina was gathering up yard gloves, jump ropes and herding everyone outside. Confusion and fear returned. We followed our fearless leader to the sloped asphalt parking lot between the building and my favorite Mexican Restaurant. I tried not to the think about the happy people who were probably enjoying really refreshing margaritas. “RUN!” WTH? Run, now? Visions of H.S. Volleyball and running suicides overtook my margarita daydreams. I “sped” down the slope trying desperately not to be the last one down and back. I wasn’t, by the way- not even second to last. I don’t know why I bothered rushing. Once I reached the top, some sick and demented version of up-downs were waiting for me. I actually appreciated the yard gloves at that point. “RUN!” Again? Off I went. And half way down, BAM! I rolled my left ankle, caught my fall on my right shin. I skid on it enough to get some pretty tough looking scrapes and bruises. Thank God for the gloves, my hands remained scratch free. I thought not knowing my right and left was embarrassing. This was worse. My friend and Gena both had to help me walk back into the shade, get me ice and an accident report. Some stranger had to help me carry my own baby to my car. And that, is what led up to not going to the gym for weeks. It no longer hurts, but it is still definitely larger than my other ankle. I realize that’s one hell of an excuse, but this stuff can’t be made up!

It’s really too bad, I was doing well on my “weight loss wedding goal”. I wasn’t going to make it down to 165 by the wedding or anything, but I was a 168. I was losing weight, eating healthy foods, pushing my comfort zone and working out. After that, the whole “Operation: Get Hot” thing pretty much just fell apart. Between BBQs, weddings, alcohol, not working out, camping, snacks and just overly stuffing my face in general, I found myself standing on the scale and blinking back the tears. It read 180. Granted, I believe this was water retention after consuming an ungodly amount of Tim’s Cascade Salt and Vinegar Potato Chips while camping, but still. That was a hard slap in the face. This morning was the first Friday Weigh-In in a long time. 170. *sigh* I’m back to that.

Operation: Get Skinny?!?!

It seems that I forgot the theme and title of my own blog. I have been obsessing over “Operation: Get Skinny” when that wasn’t even the focus. In an effort to take a break from my usual rants about life in the fat lane, I’d like to take it down a notch and focus on some other avenues of hotness. I swear, all my complaining and body image issues, some days I’m no better than Heidi Montag! Okay, so maybe that’s a slight exaggeration but you get my point.

Anyway, I am absolutely refusing to buy clothes in whatever size I am. That makes dressing a terribly difficult chore. I typically end up in some sort of maternity clothes and too small,old clothes combo. I am so torn about whether this is the right approach or not. I feel like if I got like a little bit to wear that looked nice on me in my current body, I would feel prettier, hold my head higher and not have a near breakdown every time I get dressed. On the other hand, spending money on clothes I don’t plan on wearing much longer seems like admitting defeat. I feel like I would be congratulation myself for being where I don’t want to be. I am scared of acceptance. All my life I have felt girls and women should embrace their bodies as they are. Yet, all I want to do is change my own body. How very confusing!

In other efforts, I have finally got around to putting a little focus on my nails. Saturday I took the time to totally do my fingers and toes. I hate to wear open-toed shoes without my toes done. Now my feet are soft and smooth with a pretty orange-red polish.

Right now I am using Crest WhiteStrips. They seem to work really well on my teeth and brighten my smile in a short amount of time. Who can’t appreciate that?!? I am absolutely dying to go tanning. I can’t lie. I love how I feel after a 20 minute nap under the UV. Aside from the sunny glow on my skin, I notice an improvement in my complexion. It improves any acne I have and the bumps on the backs of my arms (keratosis pilaris). Unfortunately, I’m not as short-sighted or invincible as I once was. Now I am too scared of possible sun spots, wrinkles and skin cancer to go back to my old ways. I realize that spray tans are supposed to be the answer, but I am rather wary of them as well. I just don’t get how coating oneself in who knows what can be good for you. I should research it more, but until then, I guess I am stuck being almost as pale as my husband and daughter.

Success!

Despite everything, I must be doing something right. I didn’t report in after last week’s Friday weigh in, but I lost one pound last week. This morning I again weighed myself and once again I lost a pound. I feel so encouraged by this. Losing just a single pound each week means I really get it. I am making positive lifestyle changes and gradually losing an appropriate amount of weight. Typically my most successful form of weight loss has been from the “too much, too soon” school of thought. When I realize I have an event that I would like to look pretty for in two weeks, I starve myself for the two weeks. I feel slimmer for the evening but before the party is over, I consume twice as many drinks and desserts as I should have. I remember that when husband and I went on our cruise to Cabo, I tried to start getting bikini ready almost 3 months before we flew to San Diego. During that three month time span, every time someone offered me cake, I helped myself and figured, “Eh, what the hell? I have 10 weeks to work this German Chocolate off….”
But, look at me now! Here I am making good choices to reach a long term goal. Hopefully, I will kick the yo-yo dieting habit forever!
Not to put all the blame on something else, but the lack of good summer sunshine is really slowing me down. Everyday I want to put on a tank top and go for a good long walk with Sophia. Every day it rains and she and I are stuck inside looking rather pale and chubby. Hopefully tomorrow will be nice. My dad and three of my siblings are playing in a golf tournament in town and it would be really lovely to just go walk around and get a bit of a glow going on.
I feel like I am starting to get my physical self together. I am losing the weight and taking more time to look nice. At the same time, I almost feel like I am afraid of success. This morning I felt good knowing I had lost some weight and my measurements are definitely getting better too. Then, this afternoon, I had a small breakdown to dear husband and tonight I am currently enjoying a glass of wine and peanut butter cookies! Ha- with a crazy combo like that, I sound pregnant again.
In an effort to stay on track (or get back on track, depending on how you view my evening of indulgences), I am going to set my first short term goal with a real deadline. Husband’s cousin is getting married July 10. The wedding will be outdoors and quite warm. I would like to look nice in a sleeveless dress. I would like to loose an additional four pounds in the next three weeks. That will put me at 166. Perhaps I should put down the Riesling and pickup the hand weights, but that can always wait until tomorrow… ;)